Well Color Me…..

My ramblings on the world in general and my life in particular

July 13, 2018
by Tracie
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…Lost

Well Color me…Lost

Yes, I am lost.  At almost 52 years old, I am lost and have no idea where to turn and what to do.  On the second to last day of school for teachers, I was told my position had been eliminated due to low numbers, but it was ok because I still had job, just not at the school where I’d worked for the last ten years.  Needless to say this threw me for a loop.  My school isn’t perfect, but I love it, I love the kids I work with and I love the people I work with.  I’m the senior class advisor this year and I hated the thought of leaving the kids without seeing them graduate.  Oh that’s okay too, I could still be an advisor, I’d just have to do it from another school and come over for meetings.  Yeah like that’s going to work.

well color me lostWell another teacher in my department was leaving and I said I wanted her job.  Well that’s when the lost really started happening.  My immediate principal did everything in her power to convince me that I did NOT want the job, that the job would be too much for me and I was taking it for the wrong reasons.  The wrong reasons being I didn’t want to change schools.  Now in my mind, that’s a right reason.  I’m committed to our school and to our students.  How is that a bad thing.

Well due to union stuff they had to give me the position, but I’ve made an enemy of my immediate principal, and she’s convinced our main principal that I can’t do the job.  So now, for the first time, I’m lost when it comes to my job.  Am I the greatest special education case manager in the world? No, of course not.  But I was really good with the kids I worked with, and I think I’ll be okay with the new kids I’ll be working with.  But I also think I’m going to be walking around with a giant target on my back.  I am going to be living under a microscope and my every mistake is going to be called to the carpet.

So where does the lost come in?  It’s everywhere.  I’m floundering in all aspects of my life.  At least before, I wasn’t floundering work wise, but now my one anchor is gone, and I don’t know what to do.  I’m a freaking adult, and I’m afraid to go to work this fall because of the giant target that got placed on my back.  Here’s to hoping I eventually find my way out of the lost, but I don’t think there’s a compass made for that.

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May 27, 2018
by Tracie
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…Invisible

There is a Buffy the Vampire episode in season 1 called Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  In the fandom it’s called Invisible Girl, and it’s the story of a girl Invisiblewho is so ignored in high school that she essentially becomes invisible.  I get it.  I feel invisible a lot of the time.  In the grocery store, people seem to have no problem cutting me off and walking over me.  If I’m driving, forget it.  It’s like my car isn’t even on the road.

While it’s not possible to actually become invisible, it is certainly possible to feel invisible.  In the Buffy episode, we get to see Marcie trying to interact with different people and being ignored.  It’s painful to watch, but it’s even more painful to live it.

I know a lot of why I feel invisible has to do with low self-esteem.  I’ll own that one, but a lot of it has to do with a complete and total lack of courtesy in other people.  Now before you say anything, I’m sure I do it to, and I’m not saying I don’t, so don’t go thinking that I think I’m perfect.  Case in point, yesterday, I was at the grocery store, and while the cashier greeted me, she never once looked at me, nor did the bagger.  And the other day Red Robin with my son, we had to ask 3 times for napkins before we got them, and we never got silverware or even the offer of a refill on our drinks.  And before you ask, no it wasn’t busy.  It was like we didn’t exist in the server’s world

I don’t think that I’m the only person who feels that way.  If I am, then I’m probably in need of a serious psychiatric intervention or something.  But I really don’t think that’s the case.  I think it’s more a case of people getting so caught up in themselves, they forget about the rest of the world.  That’s not good.  Take time to look around you and to look at other people.  Don’t make them feel invisible.

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April 28, 2018
by Tracie
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….Sick of It

This is  a weird post for me to write, but hey, what good is a blog if you can’t share your weirdness, right?  Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a relatively competent person.  I’m a single parent, and I did a pretty decent job of raising two fairly amazing young adults.  I’ve held down a job, paid my bills, maintained relationships, and I’ve done it all on my own.  I’ve done what an independent adult is supposed to do.  Yes, I adulted.  I have proven time and time again that I can take care of myself and my family, and I don’t need any help to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great friends that have taken the dad role for my kids, and any one of my friends would have lent a hand had I asked.  But I never did.

So last night, I woke up around midnight violently sick to my stomach and some barfing ensued.  Today, I did my grocery shopping and ran my errands and ate crackers and drank ginger ale.  I did what I had to do.  But you know what.  I am am sick of it.  I am sick of being responsible, and I am sick of adulting.  I want someone to take care of me.  I want someone to say, “I’ll do the shopping, you just stay in bed.”  Just have some adult for me for a while.  I’m sick of always having to figure everything out on my own without someone else to lean on.  My kids will do stuff, but it’s not there job.  It’s not anybody’s job to live my life and do my stuff.  It’s my job, and I’ll keep doing it.

I’m just sick of it.

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April 6, 2018
by Tracie
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…Disgusted with the Dumbing Down of America

Well color me disgusted, in fact, I’m actually appalled and disgusted with the dumbing down of America.  We’re doing this thing at my school.  We want to redesign how we’re doing things.  Which sounds fantastic.  Get kids involved in internships, create personal learning plans for all students.  Things like that sound great, and I love the idea.  We’re broken down into committees that meet to discuss the various areas we’re looking at.  While I normally hate committee work, it is nice hearing the thoughts and opinions of the different teachers and basically a lot of us are on the same page.   But then there is talk about changing the school hours and starting much later in the day and going until later at night, because “studies show that high school students need to sleep later in the morning.”

...disgusted with the dumbing down of America

Why are dumbing down our country?

Here’s the thing, if kids went to bed earlier instead of playing video games and being on their phones all night, they would be able to get up earlier in the morning.  I know that all kids don’t play video games and all kids aren’t on their phone all night, but when I look around the school where I work, and I talk to the kids, that’s the message I’m getting.  So maybe parents should parent and put limits and rules in place.  I’m not saying school should start at the ass crack of dawn, but we start at 7:45 – I don’t see that as being too late at all.

I won’t even bother ranting about the doing away with leveling and having heterogeneous grouping.  That is a very touchy subject and has been for years.  To me it’s right up there with doing away with class rank.  I’m sorry people, but some of you are smarter than others and some of you are going to work your asses off to do well in school.  I think that should be recognized and acknowledged. Ok, I’m going to rant about heterogeneous grouping.  At a high school level having kids of very diverse learning abilities doesn’t work.  The super intelligent over achievers will be fine, because they’ll do the work.  The struggling learners will be fine because the teacher will help them to succeed.  But who’s going to lose out? The middle of the road kids who maybe lack motivation or struggle a little.  They’re going to get lost in the shuffle.

It’s not just in schools thought.  I was talking with an army recruiter the other day, and he was telling me that basic training is nothing like it used to be.  They have to find new ways to “talk” to the recruits.  I’m sorry, really I am, but if you’re joining the military, do you really want your drill sergeant to be gentle with you?  I think I were joining the military with the possibility of having to defend my country, I’d want them to be as tough and as mean and as hard as possible.  Why?  War isn’t gentle, and it sure as heck isn’t easy.  It’s messy, it’s dirty, and it’s scary as hell.  I’d want to be ready for that.

Here’s the deal.  This is life, and in life, not everybody is a winner, and some people lose.  We’ve become so concerned with letting all kids think they are winners and bolstering their self-esteem.  I’m not saying we want to tear down or destroy the self-esteem of a child, but we do have to teach them to win gracefully, lose with dignity and to realize that there are going to be people that are better of things than they are.  We are ruining our children and the future of this country.  To say I am disgusted by the dumbing down of America is actually an understatement.  I’m afraid because we are destroying ourselves.

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April 1, 2018
by Tracie
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Don’t Be a Drama Llama

Cross posted at Think Positive 30

Don't be a drama llamaProtect yourself. Keep your distance from negative people and their drama. They have a problem for every solution. – Karen Salmansohn

I am not a fan of the drama. In fact in my classroom, I have a sign declaring it a Drama Free Zone. To my way of thinking, life is challenging enough without dealing with drama from other people. It comes at us from all sides. It comes from our friends and our family, our co-workers and our neighbors. These people are veritable energy suckers. They can and do suck the life right out of us. On a daily basis, I have students walking in to my classroom saying so-and-so said or did this, or he posted that on snap chat, or she said this about me in a text message. Idon't be a drama llamat’s overwhelming and the drama llamas do their very best to suck us in.

Their drama can sometimes turn you into a drama llama yourself. And seriously, do you have time for that? I’m going to guess the answer to that is no you don’t. Well guess what, you don’t have to deal with the drama llamas any more! It’s time to drop the drama! Stop allowing crazy-makers, game-players, truth-manipulators, gossip-mongers, conflict-stirrers and bad communicators to drain you of joy, energy and time! Plus make sure you’re not accidentally contributing to or prolonging any drama. But how?

Karen Salmansohn is offering an amazing class called Don’t be a Drama Llama. This course will help you you to not to associate with the drama. It will teach you how to not invite the drama into your life, and more importantly how not to create MORE drama! Don’t be a drama llama. Find out how to stop the drama from taking over your life. Seriously, do you have time for drama? No, of course you don’t. Your life, your time is too important to let other people infect you with their drama and bring you down. Check out Karen’s class. This class regularly costs $149.00 but for a very limited time, she is offering the class for only $49.00. It’s an amazing offer and too good to pass up. Click here to see everything this class offers. Get ready to cut the drama from your life. Don’t be a drama llama any longer!

 

 

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March 26, 2018
by Tracie
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Nexus Information

If you are interested in reading the password protected Nexus, please leave me a comment and I’ll email you the password. Those of you who are nearest and dearest to me, fandom wise will probably be able to guess the password 😉

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March 12, 2018
by Tracie
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…Ready, I Think

I want to write.  I make no secrets about that.  I also don’t write, and I don’t make any secrets about that, or excuses.  I’m lazy AF, I’m a master procrastinator, and I’m afraid.  Around 11 years ago, I started writing a YA fiction book with the hopes that it could maybe morph into a series.  ready, i thinkThen life got crazy and it just got pushed aside.  All writing of the fiction type did.  I’m not making excuses, that’s just the way it is.

I did NANWRIMO in 2013, revamping a fan fic, but that wasn’t the same, plus it sucked.  This year, I toyed with starting NANOWRIMO.  I got two paragraphs written, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  Well last night, I pulled out those two paragraphs, and the stuff I started a while back a decade ago, and I realized that the couple of paragraphs would actually make a good prologue for the older stuff.

The older stuff, well it’s not great, and there are lots of grammatical errors and typos, but that’s what editing is for.  There is also a storyline in it that is supposed to be a motivating factor, but I’m not sure if i want to keep – it deals with physical abuse, and I’m not really sure if I want to go there.

But I’m thinking about writing again, and I’m ready, I think.  I’m not sure, but I’m closer to being ready than I have been in a very long time.  Writing has always been an escape for me, and honestly, in my life right now, I have a lot from which I want to escape.  I’m kind of stumped about where to share this writing.  Nobody uses LJ any longer, and nobody visits my fanfic forum either.  It’s not fanfic so I can’t put it on fanfic.net either. I know there are places out on the interwebs to share original stuff, but I’m not comfortable doing that either.  Why?  Because it’s either going to be good, and sharing it that way means it can be stolen, or more realistically, it’s going to suck and who wants to put themselves out there for ridicule!

I’m thinking I’m going to put it here, and password protect it, and if people want to read it, I’ll give them the password.  So I’m ready, I think.  I even hope.  I need an outlet.  It used to be writing, and I want it to be writing again.  I just need to begin.

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