Well Color Me

My ramblings on the world in general and my life in particular

January 13, 2019
by Tracie
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…Discouraged

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough and not matter what you do, you’ll never be good enough?  It’s where I am right now, and honestly, I don’t like feeling this way.  I am all about thinking positive, and I really try to do that each and every day. I look at situations and look for the good in them, and a lot of times, it helps.  Sometimes it doesn’t, and today is one of those days.

I’m a financial mess, and I honestly don’t know how to fix it.  I should probably get a second job but I am also just old and tired.  My body aches in a thousand different places.  Of course part of that could be because I’m fat and need to lose at least 100 pounds.  So of course I had a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for breakfast.  An awesome, healthy meal, lol.  No it is what it is, and that’s comfort food. As is popcorn and tea.

I should exercise, but I hurt too much.  At some point, I turned into an old person.  I’m not quite sure when it happened, but it did. I’m sitting here complaining about aches and pains and how horrible life is.  To me that equals old person.  Ugh.

I know I should put my faith in God, and I try that, too.  Every night, I read a daily devotional, and participate in a bible study.  But what I’m finding about myself is I suck at being a good person, and being the person God wants me to be.  I try….I really do, but I just suck at it.  I’m to snarky and small thinking. But I do try, so that’s something.

I want to write, I used to love writing, but now I’m more interested in the escapism of stupid facebook games.  Dice with buddies, candy crush and angry birds.  Logically I know I should put those aside and do other things, like writing and exercise.  But I don’t.

As I sit and read back over what I’ve written, it all adds up to one thing – depression.  But I’m already fat, so why would I want to take an anti-depressant that can lead to weight gain.

I’m discouraged and I need to snap the heck out of this funk.

January 7, 2019
by Tracie
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…Lost in Time

Not like I’m losing time, but in a way, I feel like I am.  Last week was New Years, and we had a short week at school, but it already seems like vacation was weeks and weeks ago.  I don’t get how that happens.  I’m already ready for another vacation. But that could possibly be because the environment in school isn’t all that positive.

Though we got some happy (to me) news on Friday.  I had gone into school late because I was dropping my son off at the airport so he could head to Virginia for AIT after holiday block leave.  So I go to school late, got my computer up and running and of course checked my email.  The first email I had was a letter of resignation from our superintendent.  I can’t say that I’m disappointed to see him go.  I don’t think he’s really done a lot for our school district in his short tenure.  His one big claim to fame was to take over the third floor of our school for the school district offices.  Supposedly this is going to save the district money, but they turned classrooms in to offices, and they installed air conditioning which cost almost a million dollars.  Doesn’t seem to be a cost saving measure to me.  And honestly, if they expect us to work with out AC and the kids to learn with out AC, they can survive without AC as well.

But he gave his 90 day notice and will be done mid-March, and we’re on the hunt for another new superintendent.  I think he’s our 3rd or 4th since I started working there in 2007.

But as I said, the environment is less than cheerful and it makes time just drag.  As I said, I’m lost in time and feel like we never had a vacation or it’s almost time for our next vacation. Here’s hoping that my lottery tickets hit a jackpot and soon.  I, unlike our superintendent, won’t leave in the middle of the year, but knowing that I’m rich and didn’t have to work would make everything a lot more tolerable.

January 4, 2019
by Tracie
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…Super Excited

My school is not what you would call technology rich.  I have always scrounged for computers for my classroom.  I’ve brought in outdated laptops from home as well as some outdated desktops.  A couple of years ago, I got a chrome book for my classroom, and it was good.  I still used one of my own laptops for my “teacher” computer, and I let the kids use the chrome book. Last year, I did a donors choose, and got funded for another chrome book, and life was better.  I also scrounged a newer desktop for the kids to use.  This year, I “found” another chrome book, so now we’re up to 3 chrome books and a desktop.  My assistant principal told me about an organization that funds a lot of grants, so I applied for one and got funding for 3 more chrome books – they’re not here yet, but they’re coming.  I also did another donor’s choose and got funding for 3 more chrome books.  I’m also supposed to be getting another newer desktop.  So if and when everything arrives, I will have 9 chrome books and 2 desktops for my students.  I am beyond excited.  I know there are teachers who work at schools where they have 1 to 1 technology who are probably appalled by my celebrating 9 chrome books.  But I also know there are teachers who would do anything to get even one chrome book for their classroom, so color me super excited for what we are getting!

January 2, 2019
by Tracie
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…Ready For A Vacation

Yes, I realize that it’s the first day back after Christmas vacation, but I’m already ready.  I love my job but due to circumstances beyond my control, it’s rather stressful.  I don’t mean oh rough day stressful, I mean all day every day stress that really starts to wear on you after a while.  But I’m fortunate to have a job, and I can deal handle the stress.   I have to, I didn’t win the mega millions last night.  Poor planning on my part.

I love to dream about winning the lottery. It’s one of my favorite day dreams, in fact.  If I were to win tomorrow, I’d be good to go.  I know who’s getting what, what charities I want to donate to, and where I’m going on my first vacation, lol. I am totally ready  Now I just need the lottery gods to cooperate and let me win.  And would I quit the stressful job?  Nope. Number 1, I would never just up and leave in the middle of a semester, that’s irresponsible, and Number 2, just knowing that I’d have the money to say “Fuck it” any time something stressful came up.

But alas, I didn’t win, so back to school tomorrow and with a happy, cheerful attitude because it helps to counter the stress.

January 1, 2019
by Tracie
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…Looking Forward

Happy 2019 everybody. Traditionally, this is the time we all make our resolutions for the new year.  I’m not going to make any resolutions for the new year.  Why bother? I never follow through. I’m not being negative about that, it’s a fact.  What I am doing, is setting some goals, and I’m looking forward.  Goals are better than resolutions because I think goals are more fluid.  You can adapt them and modify them as time goes by. At least that’s what I do with my goals.

As far as looking forward, I spend far too much time in the past, revisiting what was.  I obsess over mistakes, and stupid things I’ve said and done. I try to fix things that don’t need to be fixed, they just need to be let in the past. I also hold on to things that just need to be let go.  So I’m going to try and stop looking back and look forward instead.

I also figured out what I’m going to do with this blog.   It’ll mostly stay a ranting and raving kind of place, because everybody needs a chance to rant and rave and get it out of their system. I’m also going to do some stuff that is password protected because some rants and raves need to be private. And I’m really hoping I do some writing this year.  That’s not a goal, or a resolution, that’s a wish.

So if resolutions are your thing, I wish you luck – if goals are your thing, I wish you luck.  And I hope that 2019 brings you joy and happiness.

December 30, 2018
by Tracie
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…Slowly Recovering

I managed to save a lot of data via the internet wayback machine, but a lot of pictures that I had in my posts are gone, and as I said before, anything that was password protected is gone. I’m trying to add a few of the old posts every day, but it’s slow going. I also need to think about the direction I want to take this blog.  I’m fortunate that since nobody reads it’, I can pretty much post whatever here and not worry about it lol.  But seriously, I’ll still password protect some stuff because some stuff is just personal.  But back to the direction of the blog…do I want to just rant…do I want to focus on my own writing?  Good questions without answers.  For now, I guess I’ll just focus on the rebuild, and go from there.

December 29, 2018
by Tracie
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Well Color Me….Heartbroken

I know I don’t update frequently – I’m working on it. But something happened and this blog, my website and a message board I have all got wiped out. The nice server people were able to rescue my message board, and my website, but this blog – it died. Gone. Lost in the interwebs forever. Well sort of. I’m starting from scratch and thanks to the wayback machine, I can recover a lot of stuff – not everything. There was a lot of private locked down stuff that is gone forever, but maybe that’s okay. Anyhow, I’m rebuilding the past posts as much as possible and will go forward from here. But color me heartbroken for what I lost.

July 28, 2018
by Tracie
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A Bit Contemplative

A Bit Contemplative

I was watching a lame movie today and in it, one of the characters said, “I’m a man, and men don’t hurt the people they love.” If you take it a step further, I’d say I’m an adult and adults don’t hurt the people the love.  But they do, all the time.  Most of the time, it’s not on purpose, but some times it is.  And it got me thinking why people do that.  Why do they say or do things that they know are going to hurt someone they care about

It can be romantic relationship wise, sibling wise, or friend wise.  It doesn’t matter what the relationship is, what matters is that it happened.  I know I’ve done it, and I usually immediately regret it.  But I’ve known some people who have said incredibly hurtful things to people and have never regretted it.  Your actions speak volumes as well, and if you don’t walk your talk, what you say doesn’t matter.  Think before you speak and think before you act.

I’m going to try to be a better person and think before I speak and before I act.  More importantly I’m going to work to not hurt the people that I love, and to just be a better person all around.

Cross-posted at Think Positive 30

July 27, 2018
by Tracie
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Financially Irresponsible

Yep, it’s true.  I’m a grown ass adult and I am financially irresponsible.  What I mean by that is I do not know how to manage my money.  I know how to spend it.  I know how to spend it when I don’t have it (credit cards), but I don’t know how to budget my money and start filling in the holes of my own making that I am buried in.

It’s not something that they taught us in school and it’s not something that I can figure out on my own – trust me, I’ve tried.  I thought, when I got married that I was all set.  After all, he majored in business, he must know about managing money.  Yeah that marriage was a mistake in more ways than one, and his lack of fiscal responsibility was only part of it.  I was the one who managed the money, and paid the bills.  Listening to him is part of the reason why my student loan debt is equal to the gnp of a small country.  My retirement plan is to win powerball – seriously!

It’s not something I like, and it’s not something I’m proud of, but I don’t know where to begin to change it. Where do people learn this stuff, and more importantly, why aren’t we teaching it to kids in high school?  Seriously, there should be a series of classes called Life 101, 202, 303 and 404 that you take each year you’re in high school where you learn how to be an adult.  How to balance a check book (and write out a check) how to find a job, register a car, file taxes, rent an apartment, fill out a fafsa, do laundry, grocery shop – all of that stuff.  And yes, a lot of this stuff should be taught at home….I did learn most of that at home, but kids today don’t – neither do some adults.  I just want to be more financially responsible.

January 8, 2018
by Tracie
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…Too Exhausted for Words

Last Tuesday, we headed back to school after a far to short Christmas Break.  The winter brought us bone chilling cold, and then a blizzard.  As I previously blogged, this resulted in a ruptured water pipe somewhere in my classroom.  Today was the first day back after an unscheduled four day break, and a lot of stress and worry about the situation at school.  And after that first day back, I am too exhausted for words.

I got to school, armed with Jeep full of donations and a go fund me that was growing by the minute. I headed in and made my way to my classroom, the classroom that on Friday they had assured me would be good to go on Monday.  Guess what?  It wasn’t.  I had left a bunch of stuff in my neighbor’s classroom to dry and first things first, I moved them out so that he would have room to, you know, teach.  From there I went out and about to track down the admins to find out what the situation was and what would be my home away from home. The were found, and I was told I was moving to the 4th floor.  Um – no thank you.  I suggested sharing with the other teacher in my program and got the ok.  And then, I got told that perhaps I shouldn’t have put a call out of supplies or started a go fund me.  Yep, 7:00 a.m. and I was already officially exhausted from stress.

After getting my car unloaded and all the stuff stowed away, I moved the things I needed immediately back into the room of the other teacher in my program. Honestly, I thought I was going to be fine, I plugged in my laptop, which appeared to escape getting water damage, and turned it on.  Success!  It was working.  Well, it was working until I tried to type a word with the letter M, or use a comma, or a period, or a question mark, or various keys on the number pad.  That just sent me over the edge of depression.  Added to that, I had to use the laptop on the wifi, which I hate, and

I’m exhausted

my day was going downhill fast.

At the end of the day, without any answers as to what was going on and how long I was going to be displaced, I found out that the first floor was being re-located to the forbidden section of the third floor so they could clean.  Clean what, I’m still not sure.  So I started helping move stuff up to the third floor, but we can only use one of the elevators because the other elevator is no longer allowed to access the forbidden section of the third floor.  So after lugging boxes and chairs and various other pieces of furniture up two flights of stairs and down a long hallway, I grabbed my poor M-less laptop and headed to the computer fix it store.

And now I’m home with a receipt for $230.00 to turn in for my computer and the promise that it will be back next week.  I have started my detailed list of what was destroyed in my room to get replaced, and I’m already in need of another vacation.  And as I sit here, watching a mindless, brainless television, trying to escape the reality that was today, all I can say is Well Color Me…Too Exhausted for Words.