Well Color Me

My ramblings on the world in general and my life in particular

August 8, 2019
by Tracie


It’s August…summer is drawing to an end, and that means school is starting.  I am so not excited to go back to school this year for a variety of reasons.  I am not looking forward to block scheduling – and I’m even less excited about the prospect of team teaching.  We have no training on this – and I refuse to count the 2 hours of training we’re getting the week before school starts as training.  I don’t want to team teach, and I bet you dollars to donuts that the regular ed teachers don’t want the special ed teachers in their rooms either.

Add to that the workplace bullying that goes on, it makes me totally ambivalent about going back to school.  I’m trying to be hopeful that things will be different and that these changes will revitalize our staff and our students.  I hope they do.  I hope my negative outlook is wrong.  I hope I win powerball and don’t have to go back  😉


June 3, 2019
by Tracie


Back in December, I got sick.  I thought it was just a sinus infection.  The doctor gave me meds and it went away.  All was well in my world, or so I thought.  Less than a month later, the sinus infection along with a horrible cough was back.  The doctors were reluctant to give me another antibiotic, which I get, because they don’t want to over prescribe.  They gave me cough medicine with codeine, and  Benzonatate, neither of which did jack for my cough.

I was miserable, people I work with were sick of listening to me cough all day long, and my family was over hearing me cough all night long.  Back to the doctor I went and they decided that another antibiotic was indeed in order.  Again, it worked and all was well in my world.

Until the cough came back with a vengeance.  Nothing was touching this cough.  I ate cough drop after cough drop, I tried using a neti pot, over the counter cough remedies and home remedies.  And still my cough remained, so back to the doctor I went.

They decided that the best course of treatment was a steroid, coupled with a chest x-ray.  My chest had been clear all through this, but they just wanted to make sure.  So I took the steroid and I had the chest x-ray.  It was a miracle, the steroid worked and my cough went away.  But then the call came – my lymph nodes were enlarged and they wanted to do a CAT scan.

So I scheduled the CAT scan and had the necessary blood work done for that – or so I thought.  The phlebotomist who drew the blood did a crappy job and I had a bruise and a lump on my arm that could probably be seen from outer space.  My students kept asking who bit me, it was that bad.  I also got my cough back which resulted in another round of steroids.  And as I found out the day of the CAT scan, she didn’t run the right tests.  I was ready to walk out then and there because I did not want more blood drawn, but the nice tech at the CAT scan place drew some blood before she hooked up the IV I needed and ran the test really quick.

The cat scan was painless and done very quickly and the results came fairly quickly as well.  Yes my lymph nodes were enlarged and my doctor referred me to someone for a biopsy.  Now I was starting to get scared.  They were tossing out words like lymphoma and another word I had never head of, sarcoidosis.  My doctor sent me to another doctor.  I went for the appointment and the next thing I know they’re escorting me to another doctor in the hospital who wants to see me right away.  “But don’t worry, nothing is really wrong,” they said.  “We’re just going to walk you right over there.”  Yeah, that freaked me out.  I met with the nice doctor and he decided that the biopsy was going to be done next week.  “It’s not really a big deal but we want to get it done right away.”  Sorry, but all this stuff happining fast screamed big deal to me, but hey, what do I know, right?  Anyhow, the biopsy was scheduled and I was quietly freaking out.

I had the biopsy, and the doctor told me I’d probably get the results in 5 to 7 days.  I also got another a funnerific cough courtesy of the endoscopy tube shoved down my throat.  I was quite surprised when the doctor called me the next night to give me the results.  I was confident all along that it wasn’t lymphoma, and I was right.  But it is sarcoidosis.  He also heard my delightful cough and prescribed another round of steroids.  I should be ballooning up like Violet Beauregard from Willie Wonka fame any time now.

After I got my new script filled, I did what any other person in my position would have done.  I took to the interwebs to find information.  I went to intelligent sites like Mayo Clinic and Web MD but then I made a HUGE mistake and I turned to facebook and looked for support groups.  I thought I would find a lot of information from people dealing with the same thing, and there was some good information, but there was also a lot of poor me and boo hoo and I’m so miserable.  I get it.  I really do.  I’m feeling all whiney and boo hooey myself, but I refuse to get in a funk about this.  I’m a huge proponent of positive thinking, and I do believe that your mental outlook can go a long way toward repairing your body.

So where I stand right now is in a sea of uncertainty.  I don’t know who I’m supposed to be seeing for treatment, I don’t know what type of sarcoidosis I have – apparently there are many different types.  I don’t know anything other than I’m on a steroid.  I don’t like not knowing anything, but that’s where I am right now.  I guess I’ll be reaching out to my doctor to find out what is next in this process of healing and getting this disease into remission.  I’ve been slacking a bit on my diet, my doctor actually said just to wait until I got the biopsy dealt with and school was out, because my stress level has been sky high.  She didn’t see any point in worrying about keto and macros and all that because I was just stressing out more.

I know that eating healthy will be good and exercising is good, and eliminating stress is also good.  However, it’s hard to exercise when you are coughing up a storm, and stress, well I’m a magnet for stress, but I’m still going to try.  It’s small baby steps.  Like I’m not doing serious keto and I’m not counting macros, but I’m not going to eat french fries and potato chips all day every day.  I can’t do hard core exercise right now, but I can walk, and if I have to stop and cough, so be it.  As far as the stress goes – I really just need this school year to be done.  That is a big part of my stress right there for reasons I won’t go into here, but anyone who knows me knows what I’m talking about!

I have this disease, but this disease does not have me.

February 1, 2019
by Tracie

…Plague Ridden

Okay, maybe it’s not technically the plague, I’d probably feel better if it was.  It’s funny, but I can pretty much pinpoint when it happened.  It was November 2007 and the kids were at a tournament that was being held at Alvirne High School.  While at the tournament, I came down with a nagging cough.  No biggie, or so I thought, but ever since then I’ve gotten at least one cold a year with this horrible, hacking, nagging cough.  Sometimes, lucky me, I just get the cough.

I’ve been to the doctor many times.  Once said it was acid reflux.  The others never have given me a diagnosis.  Because this cough is attached to other plague like symptoms like not being able to breathe, I decided to try the doctor once again.  No guess on the cough, nothing about the other plague like symptoms and two cough medicines.  One for during the day and one with codeine so maybe I can sleep at night.

I feel crappy enough that I stayed home from school for two days….I never do that.  I’d like to stay home tomorrow too, but without a doctors note stating that I should, I’ll have to take my plague riddled body to work tomorrow.  With any luck, I’ll infect all the students and they’ll all stay home on Monday!

So off I go to try and sleep (fun fact the codeine cough syrup isn’t helping), and drag my sorry self to school tomorrow.

January 21, 2019
by Tracie

….Slightly Disappointed

I would not want to be a weather person for all the money in the world.  They have a virtually impossible job of trying to forecast the weather.  And no matter what, people complain.  They complain about the weather and they complain when the weather people get it wrong.  Take for example the storm that was supposed to hit this weekend.  Now I myself was upset that the storm was going to come in over the weekend, because they were saying we were supposed to get up to 24 inches of snow.  That much snow is wasted on a weekend.  I’d much rather have it on a week day so I don’t have to go to school.

However with  this storm, something happened, and we ended up getting maybe 5 or 6 inches with sleet and freezing rain.  Now I’m slightly disappointed only because I got totally psyched up for this storm.  I was ready.  I had snacks, I had my snow brush I was good to go.  Only the storm wasn’t.  So while I’m slightly disappointed that the storm didn’t live up to all the hype, I’m hoping that we get slammed soon, during the week so I can have a snow day!

January 13, 2019
by Tracie


Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough and not matter what you do, you’ll never be good enough?  It’s where I am right now, and honestly, I don’t like feeling this way.  I am all about thinking positive, and I really try to do that each and every day. I look at situations and look for the good in them, and a lot of times, it helps.  Sometimes it doesn’t, and today is one of those days.

I’m a financial mess, and I honestly don’t know how to fix it.  I should probably get a second job but I am also just old and tired.  My body aches in a thousand different places.  Of course part of that could be because I’m fat and need to lose at least 100 pounds.  So of course I had a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for breakfast.  An awesome, healthy meal, lol.  No it is what it is, and that’s comfort food. As is popcorn and tea.

I should exercise, but I hurt too much.  At some point, I turned into an old person.  I’m not quite sure when it happened, but it did. I’m sitting here complaining about aches and pains and how horrible life is.  To me that equals old person.  Ugh.

I know I should put my faith in God, and I try that, too.  Every night, I read a daily devotional, and participate in a bible study.  But what I’m finding about myself is I suck at being a good person, and being the person God wants me to be.  I try….I really do, but I just suck at it.  I’m to snarky and small thinking. But I do try, so that’s something.

I want to write, I used to love writing, but now I’m more interested in the escapism of stupid facebook games.  Dice with buddies, candy crush and angry birds.  Logically I know I should put those aside and do other things, like writing and exercise.  But I don’t.

As I sit and read back over what I’ve written, it all adds up to one thing – depression.  But I’m already fat, so why would I want to take an anti-depressant that can lead to weight gain.

I’m discouraged and I need to snap the heck out of this funk.

January 7, 2019
by Tracie

…Lost in Time

Not like I’m losing time, but in a way, I feel like I am.  Last week was New Years, and we had a short week at school, but it already seems like vacation was weeks and weeks ago.  I don’t get how that happens.  I’m already ready for another vacation. But that could possibly be because the environment in school isn’t all that positive.

Though we got some happy (to me) news on Friday.  I had gone into school late because I was dropping my son off at the airport so he could head to Virginia for AIT after holiday block leave.  So I go to school late, got my computer up and running and of course checked my email.  The first email I had was a letter of resignation from our superintendent.  I can’t say that I’m disappointed to see him go.  I don’t think he’s really done a lot for our school district in his short tenure.  His one big claim to fame was to take over the third floor of our school for the school district offices.  Supposedly this is going to save the district money, but they turned classrooms in to offices, and they installed air conditioning which cost almost a million dollars.  Doesn’t seem to be a cost saving measure to me.  And honestly, if they expect us to work with out AC and the kids to learn with out AC, they can survive without AC as well.

But he gave his 90 day notice and will be done mid-March, and we’re on the hunt for another new superintendent.  I think he’s our 3rd or 4th since I started working there in 2007.

But as I said, the environment is less than cheerful and it makes time just drag.  As I said, I’m lost in time and feel like we never had a vacation or it’s almost time for our next vacation. Here’s hoping that my lottery tickets hit a jackpot and soon.  I, unlike our superintendent, won’t leave in the middle of the year, but knowing that I’m rich and didn’t have to work would make everything a lot more tolerable.

January 4, 2019
by Tracie

…Super Excited

My school is not what you would call technology rich.  I have always scrounged for computers for my classroom.  I’ve brought in outdated laptops from home as well as some outdated desktops.  A couple of years ago, I got a chrome book for my classroom, and it was good.  I still used one of my own laptops for my “teacher” computer, and I let the kids use the chrome book. Last year, I did a donors choose, and got funded for another chrome book, and life was better.  I also scrounged a newer desktop for the kids to use.  This year, I “found” another chrome book, so now we’re up to 3 chrome books and a desktop.  My assistant principal told me about an organization that funds a lot of grants, so I applied for one and got funding for 3 more chrome books – they’re not here yet, but they’re coming.  I also did another donor’s choose and got funding for 3 more chrome books.  I’m also supposed to be getting another newer desktop.  So if and when everything arrives, I will have 9 chrome books and 2 desktops for my students.  I am beyond excited.  I know there are teachers who work at schools where they have 1 to 1 technology who are probably appalled by my celebrating 9 chrome books.  But I also know there are teachers who would do anything to get even one chrome book for their classroom, so color me super excited for what we are getting!

January 2, 2019
by Tracie

…Ready For A Vacation

Yes, I realize that it’s the first day back after Christmas vacation, but I’m already ready.  I love my job but due to circumstances beyond my control, it’s rather stressful.  I don’t mean oh rough day stressful, I mean all day every day stress that really starts to wear on you after a while.  But I’m fortunate to have a job, and I can deal handle the stress.   I have to, I didn’t win the mega millions last night.  Poor planning on my part.

I love to dream about winning the lottery. It’s one of my favorite day dreams, in fact.  If I were to win tomorrow, I’d be good to go.  I know who’s getting what, what charities I want to donate to, and where I’m going on my first vacation, lol. I am totally ready  Now I just need the lottery gods to cooperate and let me win.  And would I quit the stressful job?  Nope. Number 1, I would never just up and leave in the middle of a semester, that’s irresponsible, and Number 2, just knowing that I’d have the money to say “Fuck it” any time something stressful came up.

But alas, I didn’t win, so back to school tomorrow and with a happy, cheerful attitude because it helps to counter the stress.

January 1, 2019
by Tracie

…Looking Forward

Happy 2019 everybody. Traditionally, this is the time we all make our resolutions for the new year.  I’m not going to make any resolutions for the new year.  Why bother? I never follow through. I’m not being negative about that, it’s a fact.  What I am doing, is setting some goals, and I’m looking forward.  Goals are better than resolutions because I think goals are more fluid.  You can adapt them and modify them as time goes by. At least that’s what I do with my goals.

As far as looking forward, I spend far too much time in the past, revisiting what was.  I obsess over mistakes, and stupid things I’ve said and done. I try to fix things that don’t need to be fixed, they just need to be let in the past. I also hold on to things that just need to be let go.  So I’m going to try and stop looking back and look forward instead.

I also figured out what I’m going to do with this blog.   It’ll mostly stay a ranting and raving kind of place, because everybody needs a chance to rant and rave and get it out of their system. I’m also going to do some stuff that is password protected because some rants and raves need to be private. And I’m really hoping I do some writing this year.  That’s not a goal, or a resolution, that’s a wish.

So if resolutions are your thing, I wish you luck – if goals are your thing, I wish you luck.  And I hope that 2019 brings you joy and happiness.

December 30, 2018
by Tracie

…Slowly Recovering

I managed to save a lot of data via the internet wayback machine, but a lot of pictures that I had in my posts are gone, and as I said before, anything that was password protected is gone. I’m trying to add a few of the old posts every day, but it’s slow going. I also need to think about the direction I want to take this blog.  I’m fortunate that since nobody reads it’, I can pretty much post whatever here and not worry about it lol.  But seriously, I’ll still password protect some stuff because some stuff is just personal.  But back to the direction of the blog…do I want to just rant…do I want to focus on my own writing?  Good questions without answers.  For now, I guess I’ll just focus on the rebuild, and go from there.